Confident.Queen

I am one of these girls who always think every one should be happy and on a high.  Well most the time sometimes  I am like eugh i am a worthless piece of shit who shouldnt be happy but really I should be happy and be like "bow down before me bithes I am your Queen"  Which involves being happy: emotionally, physically and mentally. Also Being confident makes more roads open up to you rather then being shy with no where to go. However I can tell you from my own experience that this isn't always easy I mean last year was the thoughest year of my life by far and my aniexty came back quicker then an ex who knows he just left a fine piece of ass.

which bring me onto the next paragraph of being confident and its about feeling good body wise.Your body is a temple and you need to remember that no one elses but yours and how you treat it depends on how you want to be treated. By this I don't mean if you buy a big mac every day your as quick and easy as your fast food thats being served to you, but what I mean is the equal balance. By all means I love a bit of fast food or a nandos every know and again but at the same time I know I am not doing anything good for my body, which then puts me on a down making my body and emotions feel sad which normally relates to me hating everyone on this planet. But I need to stop that because it's no one elses fault but mine no one in my local kebab ( yes you know its bad when its a local kebab) is going to go oi love looking a bit fat want to lay of the cheesey chips.

This is why I have decided I should do a random post on happiness and confidence and being a queen quite simply. firstly then you need to learn how to strut your stuff by this I mean your confidence walk to "bow down bitches".  Honestly try it next time you walk. walk with confidence by standing tall and carrying your pretty head high.

the next one is to take that compliment, Do not brush them of but learn to appriciate them honestly so many people would rate you more even guys because no man likes repeating themself. Also by doing this you will be balancing the negative thoughts that you think off yourself and the posistive ones others give you making you feel more happy and confident.

Thirdly then dont always seek approval, Not everyone is going to think your amazing and if you got a good job no one will ever give you credit for how hard you work for it infact some may envy you that is what I've come across recently however who needs that why should you always be trying to please everyone else if you got a good grade at school or if you got a new good job dont be down about it just think to yourself how  hard you work for it and how much you deserve it approval starts from within you.

Lastly, Never compare yourself to others this is a huge mistake which will lead to a tub of ben and jerry ice cream bridget jones and greecey hair, In fact inbrace the fact you are different.  It may seem like someone may be better then you and has a better life then you but we really need to rememeber what was their journey to get them there in the first place. Always remember your a queen and that no one can take your crown off you. Your beautiful smart and clever and there is no one who can replace you so just be you

Baby loss

"The day we met, Frozen on the screen I held my breathe something so small, Right from that start we knew we had found our perfect part. walking out the door my heart was beating fast the thoughts inside my head how can I love something so pure. "

This is a deep post and probably not for the faint hearted. I don't want to give my identy away in fact this is the only way I can express how I feel without anyone knowing by that I mean personal people who know and would judge me also what I am about to say will probaby destroy most people but here it goes.

I'm 18 it was on November the 5th when it happened when the boots test turned from a negative to a posistive. I froze I cant recall what was happening beside the fact I was meant to be meeting my bestfriend,boyfriend and boyfriend brother for dinner and cinima. Every thing went blank everything wasn't right. The world didn't seem to be turning and if you've had that feeling you know what I mean by I was generally stuck in time. I remember calling my boyfriend first as the tears fell from my eyes I remembered the arguement in which we had in the morning "I'm I'm" He caught on, in all honesty I don't know what he said next I just remember that I had five minutes in which to meet my bestfriend and half hour to get to dinner.
As she walked towards me she knew something wasn't right this is the girl who I cried on over silly boys who I laughed with till my ribs hurt who I sang with at the top of my lungs in the car with and heres the girl who cried with me once I told her.

As we sat through dinner that night I remeber my boyfriend saying "what you having babe" I thought how ironic and laughed I then noticed. Every pram. Every baby. Every cry. Every mum. In fact as I go on you will realise it doesn't get better. That evening i cried throughout the whole film my excuse is I'm soppy and don't like death and that couldn't be more true. The one thing I will say though is how my  boyfriend held me how he wrapped his hand round my stomache how he held his unborn baby.

I want to say this has a happy ending I want to say I am now 5 MONTHS gone and picking prams and names and arguing if it first words will be mummy or daddy. But sorry sometimes life isn't fair and in my case that is the truth. When I went for my first scan the baby was so small like a poppy seed in amongst a field of flowers. The quote at the top describes how I felt, How I still feel how I always will feel. I've read so many people comments on google about how to cope afterwards but you can't and I will be brutley honest with you. It never goes away its something that stays with you haunts you for the rest of your life. You cant just forget it. I keep "poppy seed" that what we shall name the baby. Very close to me it's in my locket which my boyfriend gave me when I was 16. It's so that I'm never alone and I'm writting this so young people who have to go through what I did or anything simular will know they're not alone as well.

I didn't tell you what happened to poppy seed. I don't think I could ever write down what happened. Not just yet maybe one day but not today. All I can say is not a day goes by where I don't blame myself. I see mums and babies all the time and still feel like "wheres mine". I know I shouldn't but I do. I also know that I'm young and that I hope to have another chance like this  but this time it will be for keeps. Even if it does mean I'm  throwing up in my work toilets or eating mash and scramble egg two things I hate more then anything.
I'd give it all back  to hear a beating heart again or to see how poppy seed would develop to a screaming baby or how they would wrap there fingers round mine.

Sorry this is deep I promise I shall write something light hearted all my love for now .
Camden
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