"The day we met, Frozen on the screen I held my breathe something so small, Right from that start we knew we had found our perfect part. walking out the door my heart was beating fast the thoughts inside my head how can I love something so pure. "
This is a deep post and probably not for the faint hearted. I don't want to give my identy away in fact this is the only way I can express how I feel without anyone knowing by that I mean personal people who know and would judge me also what I am about to say will probaby destroy most people but here it goes.
I'm 18 it was on November the 5th when it happened when the boots test turned from a negative to a posistive. I froze I cant recall what was happening beside the fact I was meant to be meeting my bestfriend,boyfriend and boyfriend brother for dinner and cinima. Every thing went blank everything wasn't right. The world didn't seem to be turning and if you've had that feeling you know what I mean by I was generally stuck in time. I remember calling my boyfriend first as the tears fell from my eyes I remembered the arguement in which we had in the morning "I'm I'm" He caught on, in all honesty I don't know what he said next I just remember that I had five minutes in which to meet my bestfriend and half hour to get to dinner.
As she walked towards me she knew something wasn't right this is the girl who I cried on over silly boys who I laughed with till my ribs hurt who I sang with at the top of my lungs in the car with and heres the girl who cried with me once I told her.
As we sat through dinner that night I remeber my boyfriend saying "what you having babe" I thought how ironic and laughed I then noticed. Every pram. Every baby. Every cry. Every mum. In fact as I go on you will realise it doesn't get better. That evening i cried throughout the whole film my excuse is I'm soppy and don't like death and that couldn't be more true. The one thing I will say though is how my boyfriend held me how he wrapped his hand round my stomache how he held his unborn baby.
I want to say this has a happy ending I want to say I am now 5 MONTHS gone and picking prams and names and arguing if it first words will be mummy or daddy. But sorry sometimes life isn't fair and in my case that is the truth. When I went for my first scan the baby was so small like a poppy seed in amongst a field of flowers. The quote at the top describes how I felt, How I still feel how I always will feel. I've read so many people comments on google about how to cope afterwards but you can't and I will be brutley honest with you. It never goes away its something that stays with you haunts you for the rest of your life. You cant just forget it. I keep "poppy seed" that what we shall name the baby. Very close to me it's in my locket which my boyfriend gave me when I was 16. It's so that I'm never alone and I'm writting this so young people who have to go through what I did or anything simular will know they're not alone as well.
I didn't tell you what happened to poppy seed. I don't think I could ever write down what happened. Not just yet maybe one day but not today. All I can say is not a day goes by where I don't blame myself. I see mums and babies all the time and still feel like "wheres mine". I know I shouldn't but I do. I also know that I'm young and that I hope to have another chance like this but this time it will be for keeps. Even if it does mean I'm throwing up in my work toilets or eating mash and scramble egg two things I hate more then anything.
I'd give it all back to hear a beating heart again or to see how poppy seed would develop to a screaming baby or how they would wrap there fingers round mine.
Sorry this is deep I promise I shall write something light hearted all my love for now .
Camden
x
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