"The day we met, Frozen on the screen I held my breathe something so small, Right from that start we knew we had found our perfect part. walking out the door my heart was beating fast the thoughts inside my head how can I love something so pure. "
This is a deep post and probably not for the faint hearted. I don't want to give my identy away in fact this is the only way I can express how I feel without anyone knowing by that I mean personal people who know and would judge me also what I am about to say will probaby destroy most people but here it goes.
I'm 18 it was on November the 5th when it happened when the boots test turned from a negative to a posistive. I froze I cant recall what was happening beside the fact I was meant to be meeting my bestfriend,boyfriend and boyfriend brother for dinner and cinima. Every thing went blank everything wasn't right. The world didn't seem to be turning and if you've had that feeling you know what I mean by I was generally stuck in time. I remember calling my boyfriend first as the tears fell from my eyes I remembered the arguement in which we had in the morning "I'm I'm" He caught on, in all honesty I don't know what he said next I just remember that I had five minutes in which to meet my bestfriend and half hour to get to dinner.
As she walked towards me she knew something wasn't right this is the girl who I cried on over silly boys who I laughed with till my ribs hurt who I sang with at the top of my lungs in the car with and heres the girl who cried with me once I told her.
As we sat through dinner that night I remeber my boyfriend saying "what you having babe" I thought how ironic and laughed I then noticed. Every pram. Every baby. Every cry. Every mum. In fact as I go on you will realise it doesn't get better. That evening i cried throughout the whole film my excuse is I'm soppy and don't like death and that couldn't be more true. The one thing I will say though is how my boyfriend held me how he wrapped his hand round my stomache how he held his unborn baby.
I want to say this has a happy ending I want to say I am now 5 MONTHS gone and picking prams and names and arguing if it first words will be mummy or daddy. But sorry sometimes life isn't fair and in my case that is the truth. When I went for my first scan the baby was so small like a poppy seed in amongst a field of flowers. The quote at the top describes how I felt, How I still feel how I always will feel. I've read so many people comments on google about how to cope afterwards but you can't and I will be brutley honest with you. It never goes away its something that stays with you haunts you for the rest of your life. You cant just forget it. I keep "poppy seed" that what we shall name the baby. Very close to me it's in my locket which my boyfriend gave me when I was 16. It's so that I'm never alone and I'm writting this so young people who have to go through what I did or anything simular will know they're not alone as well.
I didn't tell you what happened to poppy seed. I don't think I could ever write down what happened. Not just yet maybe one day but not today. All I can say is not a day goes by where I don't blame myself. I see mums and babies all the time and still feel like "wheres mine". I know I shouldn't but I do. I also know that I'm young and that I hope to have another chance like this but this time it will be for keeps. Even if it does mean I'm throwing up in my work toilets or eating mash and scramble egg two things I hate more then anything.
I'd give it all back to hear a beating heart again or to see how poppy seed would develop to a screaming baby or how they would wrap there fingers round mine.
Sorry this is deep I promise I shall write something light hearted all my love for now .
Camden
x
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Saturday, 31 January 2015
Monday, 29 December 2014
Leaving it Behind
Leaving it behind
So todays topic is going to be about leaving it behind. And no I don't mean leaving your little sibling in the middle of the topshop sale in oxford street ( Seriously mum that was an accident I swear). I mean leaving behind every tear drop, every angry cell and every single bad thought.Even certain people behind. literally leave it! because how can you start a new chapter if you keep re living the old one man I sound so cliche. So firstly let's talk about every tear drop we've all cried this year and every tree we've killed because something got to soak up them mother fuckers and it won't be your new £65.00 dress that makes me your bum bigger the Kim K! I mean was it worth it,was it worth the cry? In some cases my friends yes it was.It was good to let out all that tear water it was good to make your eyes all glossy and shiny and it was probably good hitting a pillow or a face whilst crying. But as this book of 365 pages comes to a closure, I want you to discard all of them reasons you cried erase it like a selfie that got 5 chins. Erase it and never speak of it again like your bad hair cut in year 5 because sweethearts we can't go In to 2015 still crying. And regretting and over thinking about what we did on the 1st January 2014. So what we mess up so what you break a few hearts, plates and wine glasses so what if your heart gets broken by some lad who thinks it's cool to sleep with you and the rest of your local town ( like girls don't speak darling). At the end of the day we're all just living and that's what life's about yes your gonna be sad some days.Yes girls sometimes were gonna think we're so ugly even the Turkish men who sell us kebabs at 4 am would look the other way. It's all okay I promise you because in the end the only person we need to please is ourself. This has sort of involved tears and thoughts so let's move on to the big one yes that big one that I know we all have people the human race there 7 billion people out there and I'm sure there 6.9 billion people you would just love to ignore or is that just me?
So people let you down honest opinion and yes we can get sad throw a tantrum and moan. But let's do something better at at 11:59 PM(if your some where else Round the world it be a miniute till midnight I want you to stop and think do I need you? Before you send that 'happy new year' text to your ex boyfriend, girlfriend, friend in some case even family. Ask yourself do I need them? Cos right now I can honestly say half my contact book if now 3/4 of it aren't even important. Once they may of been once they may been the boy to sit up with you and tell you everything at 2 AM whilst you sat on a swing in the park, Or it could be a boy or girl who laid with you and played with your hair? So this is it!This is when you think if they haven't spoken to you or if it's only a one sided communication do I really need them? I always promised that id be honest so here it is I will be leaving friends behind as well as family. I'll be leaving someone behind I never thought I ever would id be leaving someone who promised me the world I'll also be leaving 3/4 of my friends the ones who are a bad infulances, the ones who put me down And the ones who only want to speak to you when they need money for their night out in the town.
Finally then here it is here to 2014 " i say with a bottle of water cos im only young and champs taste like piss anyway" Heres to the tattoo I got which everyone hates here to the boss who always tells me I need to wear more makeup and here is to every wanker who let me down,Hurt me or simply just wasn't around
cheerio peasent
Before I go though I just want you to know your stronger then you think and just like me you can say bye to all the people boys and girls and family who have made you cry who have made you angry and quite simply pissed you off.
love
Camden
x
So todays topic is going to be about leaving it behind. And no I don't mean leaving your little sibling in the middle of the topshop sale in oxford street ( Seriously mum that was an accident I swear). I mean leaving behind every tear drop, every angry cell and every single bad thought.Even certain people behind. literally leave it! because how can you start a new chapter if you keep re living the old one man I sound so cliche. So firstly let's talk about every tear drop we've all cried this year and every tree we've killed because something got to soak up them mother fuckers and it won't be your new £65.00 dress that makes me your bum bigger the Kim K! I mean was it worth it,was it worth the cry? In some cases my friends yes it was.It was good to let out all that tear water it was good to make your eyes all glossy and shiny and it was probably good hitting a pillow or a face whilst crying. But as this book of 365 pages comes to a closure, I want you to discard all of them reasons you cried erase it like a selfie that got 5 chins. Erase it and never speak of it again like your bad hair cut in year 5 because sweethearts we can't go In to 2015 still crying. And regretting and over thinking about what we did on the 1st January 2014. So what we mess up so what you break a few hearts, plates and wine glasses so what if your heart gets broken by some lad who thinks it's cool to sleep with you and the rest of your local town ( like girls don't speak darling). At the end of the day we're all just living and that's what life's about yes your gonna be sad some days.Yes girls sometimes were gonna think we're so ugly even the Turkish men who sell us kebabs at 4 am would look the other way. It's all okay I promise you because in the end the only person we need to please is ourself. This has sort of involved tears and thoughts so let's move on to the big one yes that big one that I know we all have people the human race there 7 billion people out there and I'm sure there 6.9 billion people you would just love to ignore or is that just me?
So people let you down honest opinion and yes we can get sad throw a tantrum and moan. But let's do something better at at 11:59 PM(if your some where else Round the world it be a miniute till midnight I want you to stop and think do I need you? Before you send that 'happy new year' text to your ex boyfriend, girlfriend, friend in some case even family. Ask yourself do I need them? Cos right now I can honestly say half my contact book if now 3/4 of it aren't even important. Once they may of been once they may been the boy to sit up with you and tell you everything at 2 AM whilst you sat on a swing in the park, Or it could be a boy or girl who laid with you and played with your hair? So this is it!This is when you think if they haven't spoken to you or if it's only a one sided communication do I really need them? I always promised that id be honest so here it is I will be leaving friends behind as well as family. I'll be leaving someone behind I never thought I ever would id be leaving someone who promised me the world I'll also be leaving 3/4 of my friends the ones who are a bad infulances, the ones who put me down And the ones who only want to speak to you when they need money for their night out in the town.
Finally then here it is here to 2014 " i say with a bottle of water cos im only young and champs taste like piss anyway" Heres to the tattoo I got which everyone hates here to the boss who always tells me I need to wear more makeup and here is to every wanker who let me down,Hurt me or simply just wasn't around
cheerio peasent
Before I go though I just want you to know your stronger then you think and just like me you can say bye to all the people boys and girls and family who have made you cry who have made you angry and quite simply pissed you off.
love
Camden
x
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